In a Funk

Well, you're probably asking yourself where I have been lately (or maybe not since I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this).  The answer is, I have been in a "funk."  Have been kind of down lately and I haven't really felt like doing much, including posting on my blog.  I'm just now starting to feel a little better.  I'm not sure what caused it other than I have AF now so maybe it was PMS? Speaking of AF, she has decided to show up about every 45 days for about 3 or 4 cycles now.  I have never gotten "regular" periods so I'm not sure what to make of it.  I mean, I usually have to bring it on with Provera so I guess this is a start but I'm thinking a 45 day cycle isn't totally normal either.  When I actually feel like it I will make an appointment with my GYN to talk to him about it.  For now, I'm thinking about charting again.  Okay, okay, I know it's crazy.  I mean, I AM the same woman who couldn't get pregnant/ovulate on my own for 6 years worth of IUI's/clomid/injectables, WHY on earth would I start ovulating now?  BUT since I have NEVER had a regular cycle I'm wondering if my weight loss may have triggered something.  I'm not really sure what to think but I am curious about whether I am ovulating or not.  I figure charting my temps won't hurt anything.  I haven't charted since back in the day when I was so naive that I thought that sex actually made a baby! Craziness! If there is actually anyone reading this, do you know if it is still possible to ovulate and have a 45 day cycle? This is a short post for now since I'm on my lunch at work.  I will be back later to post more. 

Where do I belong?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately in relation to my "fertility situation."  I mean, before I got pregnant with Noah I had a clearly defined "camp" to belong to: Primary Infertility.  Now that I have had Noah I'm not sure where I belong.  I don't think I would label myself as a secondary infertile because I think that means that I didn't have any problems having the first one.  With six years of IF and IVF I'm pretty sure we had some problems having the first one too.  So, am I still a primary infertile? And, where do I belong if I am no longer pursuing treatments? Maybe I am not an infertile anymore, maybe I am just a mom with one kid? But, I'm pretty sure I'm still unable to get pregnant the "old fashioned way" considering that we haven't been preventing it in the three years since Noah has been born.  It's hard for me to feel like I still have an identity in the infertility community.  I'm pretty sure I am unwilling to put my body (or my wallet for that matter) through IVF again, therefore I suppose I have to come to terms with the fact that I will no longer be able to experience having another baby.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I am so incredibly lucky that I got to experience the joy of pregnancy once, shouldn't that be enough?  The answer is....I don't know.  Some days I feel like it is enough, some days I don't.  Some days I think I am perfectly content having only one child and other days I feel like I would love to have another.  It's hard when everyone around you seems to be a walking baby factory.  I mean, one of my youth group kids has two kids and is now expecting her third! That makes me feel old! How nice it must be to be able to make your own choices about the size of your family? I have a friend who wants to have another baby but her husband doesn't want to right now due to finances so they have decided to wait a while longer.  How nice that must be to be able to have that option.  Don't get me wrong, I am in a MUCH better place emotionally then I was before I get pregnant with Noah but that doesn't mean I still don't feel that sting every now and then.  I have made efforts to diminish the effects of PCOS by losing some weight.  My GYN once told me that if I lost even 10% of my body weight that I would most likely begin to ovulate.  Been there, done that, in fact I am approaching losing 20% of my body weight and guess what, it isn't working.  That doesn't mean that I won't continue to try to lose the weight, but I have come to terms with the fact that weight loss isn't the "cure all" for my PCOS.  I am so tired of hearing the stories about so-and-so knows someone who knows someone who got pregnant all on their own after having to do treatments to have the first one.  Don't get me wrong, I know they are out there, in fact, I know quite a few people who this has been the case, but that doesn't mean it is going to happen to me!  Anyway, I don't want to give the impression that I am not happy with my little miracle because I am, and I don't want to give the impression that I will be pursuing ANY fertility treatments in the near future (or most likely EVER), I just wanted to say that just because I have ended my journey to parenthood doesn't mean that the pain isn't still there.

Halloween

I haven't had much energy to post lately because I am so tired due to Noah's erratic sleeping schedule and also because the end of the month is always crazy for me at work. It's strange, sometimes Noah sleeps really well, other times he doesn't sleep well at all.  I think we have narrowed it down as to what seems to be giving him nightmares though.  He told me the other night that he was afraid of the Halloween costumes.  He has also been talking about bats and ghosts and things like that.  I think all the Halloween stuff that was going on had him a little spooked.  I can't say I blame him, I'm sure all this stuff can be a little scary for a little guy.  Halloween is over so I'm hoping that he will settle down and sleep better.  As for Halloween, it didn't really turn out like we planned.  Noah was tired and cranky that day and had absolutely NO interest in going trick-or-treating.  We did try to take him out but when he starting screaming bloody murder we figured the neighbors wouldn't appreciate us dragging our screaming kid up to their door.  So we gave up and went back home.  He gave out candy to a couple of kids and was happy.  I'm kind of bummed I didn't get any cute pictures this year but I am happy to not have the candy in the house.   Noah did wear his costume and I was able to snap a picture with my phone so it isn't the best quality but here it is.

He was Plex from Yo Gabba Gabba and he wore his costume all day.  So while he didn't go trick-or-treating he did get some use out of the costume.  We also went to a Halloween party at church.  Overall, another fun Halloween.  I did feel like I missed some of the spirit of Halloween this year due to the fact that I over-scheduled myself during the month of October.  How was your Halloween?

My Halloween Manicure

Just thought I'd drop in and share my Halloween water marble manicure I did last night.  I was originally thinking of doing black and orange but decided to do something a little more colorful instead.  The pictures aren't the best but here it is:

I will most like do another Halloween manicure before actual Halloween because I cannot seem to keep the same manicure for more than a couple of days. 

I didn't forget about uploading pictures from the weekend.  In fact, my DVR died last night so no TV for me until Thursday night (we are having a new one shipped) so I will be spending time on the computer tonight.  Stay tuned...

Nightmares & The Adventures of “Stimpy”

I’m going to do a separate post about my weekend but I wanted to first talk about some issues we have been having with Noah.  Now, Noah has never been a great sleeper.  When people used to tell me that their babies slept through the night at 4 months, 6 months, etc, I naively believed that that would be my reality.  Turns out my little guy likes to break the rules.  It’s always been tough getting him to go to sleep at night and he STILL wakes up a few times a night.  Most nights it’s nothing more than to ask for a drink or get a diaper change but lately his sleeping habits have gotten worse.  I believe that the culprit is nightmares.  I believe this because he tries everything to keep himself awake when we try to put him to bed, almost like he doesn’t want to fall asleep and then he wakes up crying about bugs or other scary things.  Now, before you tell me all about the “cry it out” method, I have to tell you that I don’t believe in it, at least for me that is.  No offense to any parent who chooses to use that method.  I don’t believe there is anything wrong with it, it’s just not something I am comfortable doing.  If that makes me a pushover then I’m okay with that too.  And…brace yourself for the horror of all horrors…..we bring Noah in to our bed almost every night if he wakes up and wants to sleep with us!  Anyway, Saturday night was a particularly rough night as far as sleeping goes.  Noah fell asleep on the way home from my mom’s house so we brought him up to bed and put him in his crib.  He tossed and turned most of the night and woke up around 3 a.m. and was wide awake.  He was scared of every little sound he heard.  He was even scared of a light reflection on the ceiling.  For some reason Noah’s fearfulness that night even made me feel jumpy.  My husband might tell you that my watching ghost shows before bed might have contributed to me feeling jumpy but that has never affected me before.  Anyway, after laying there for over an hour with Noah trying to convince him that all of the scary creatures of the world were NOT hiding in the bedroom I saw what looked light a flashlight beam pass by our bedroom window a few times.  I also heard what sounded like talking.  This of course put my mind into overdrive thinking that maybe someone was going to try to break into the house.  I then hear a bloodcurdling scream of a woman coming from what sounds like our neighbor’s house.  Great, I figure the killers had decided to target my neighbor instead of me.  Shawn and I continue to listen to see what is going on.  We can’t really make out any words except for the fact that it was a very distraught woman who was wailing and yelling something which sounded suspiciously like our next door neighbor’s daughter’s name.  This alarmed me even more and I told Shawn to call the police.  He didn’t want to turn any lights on as not to alert the “murderer” that we were awake.  Shawn walked in the dark to find his cell and call the police while I lay in the bed with Noah who is even more terrified because there is someone screaming outside.  After we called the police all was quiet for about 5 minutes when our phone rang, it was the police calling us back to let us know that the screaming we heard was a woman who had LOST HER DOG and was UPSET.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Look, I’m a pet lover, our cats are like children to us, however, I don’t think I would be outside screaming and wailing like a murder had occurred because I couldn’t find my dog! Then, after the police hang up we hear a man (who I am assuming is psychotic dog lady’s husband) calling for “Stimpy” (which is NOT the neighbor’s daughter’s name in case you were wondering).  At this point all three of us are wide awake so we decide to give up on sleeping and head downstairs. 

As for Noah’s sleeping habits.  Last night was better.  We decided to make his bedtime routine a little more comforting (not that it wasn’t already) with lots of assurances that there is nothing to be afraid of and that Mommy & Daddy are there to keep him safe.  We also decided to add a prayer into his bedtime routine.  He fell asleep much quicker and didn’t stir as much in the night.  Hopefully better nights are to follow.  We shall see…      

Hello...Again.

Why do I say again?  Because, in the words of Dr. Phil, "this isn't my first rodeo."  I have blogged a few times in the past.  My longest stint in the blogging world was over at my very first blog The Making of Baby V.  I took a long break from blogging mainly because I wasn't sure what I could possibly have to blog about now that I have achieved my goal of becoming a mother--mostly (more on that in a later post.)  But, I miss having a place to share my thoughts, even if I am the only one that reads them.  If you want to know about my battle with infertility please visit my previous blog (linked above.) 

Since the last time I have blogged not a whole lot has changed.  It's still me, my amazing DH Shawn and my miracle Noah--who is going to turn three in December.  We’re pretty much your typical American family.  I’m not anywhere in near perfect (hence the Blog title)—my house is sometimes (most of the time) messy.  We’re not rich or anywhere close to it.  I’m a working Mom out of necessity (I would love to stay home but it just isn’t possible).  I’m not skinny (although my goal is to get there one day). I don’t shop for name brand clothes and I’m certainly no fashonista. I like to cook and love to bake but the reality is I don’t get to do it too much with my busy schedule.  You get the idea—if you came here looking for June Cleaver you might want to turn around now. 

Now that I have told you what I am NOT, let me tell you what I AM.  I am a 31 year old mother to one amazing little boy.  I’m a woman that has overcome infertility but has been scarred deeply in the process.  For a long time I thought I had “beat” infertility, but lately I feel that familiar sting coming back again.  I am a woman who suffers from PCOS and who has battled with my weight since my early twenties.  I started Weight Watchers in January of 2011 and I have managed to lose 32 pounds but now it is moving very slowly.  I am obsessed with all things paranormal and I love a good scary movie.  I am also obsessed with painting my nails which is one obsession my husband isn’t too fond of.  I’m sure you will find out some of my other “quirks” along the way. 

I’m not sure exactly what this Blog is going to be about.  It might be a little bit of everything.  I’m planning on writing a little about my struggles with infertility and my struggles with motherhood.  I also plan on sharing some of my manicures and other nail polish obsessions.  I plan on talking about my life in general.  So, if any of that interests you great, please stick around.  If not, that’s okay too.  Now, let’s get this thing started!